At the best of times I am one synapse-fire away from an enraged meltdown. I may be Borderline, but sometimes I also think I may have a more pronounced anger issue. With increasing frequency I find myself longing for a life that has fewer triggers, particularly at work. The pandemic is a massive problem all around the world...and then you add the economic and sociological stressors for people and it's hardly to be wondered that if you're not anxious you're probably experiencing at least anticipatory anxiety. This is how I feel these days; either attacked or in danger of imminent attack. I spend every unattended thought waging war against my enemies, defending myself against the things they say and do. I'm mentally exhausted. But, my alma mater just laid off a bunch of faculty and cut or combined programs, and my school isn't much better off if at all. Our adjunct seems to be gone for next year and an extra course was added to my load without taking away any current responsibilities. We'd like to ask the Dean how the justification is being made to ignore the design and tech faculty's course releases, but we don't trust him after everything that's happened since July. The woman in charge is still getting her course release, and frankly she does everything she can to undermine our side of the program, so making us too tired to oppose her seems in her best interests. We fail, she looks better. Our students suffer. I can feel my body gearing up to fight invisible enemies just thinking about it.
So I'd like to leave, but in the current climate there are just no jobs. Leaving a tenured position sounds like a dangerous proposition. The BF is still out of work. More and more schools are dumping tenure-track lines for underpaid instructor positions with no security. In these days, along with winter depression, it's just hard to put one foot in front of the other; which is why I am trying to keep busy, to keep looking forward, to stop the relentless feeling of impending doom and wrong decisions. I'm eating far too much, especially the above cheeses which oddly represent my main cultural heritages, and devouring an amazing mango chutney given to me by a work friend back in the summer when I was quarantined. I'm also getting the garden ready for Spring, and tackling some interior projects like finally painting the underside of the bar, which has always been annoyingly unfinished and viewable when sitting on the couch. Now it is a gray tone called "Blindfold" similar to the color of the top faux-marble.
I have a countdown for the semester (81 days now), and look eagerly towards the day when I no longer have to fear the next blow from our PC, Chair, or Dean. Bad people shouldn't get to win. But they do.
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